Don’t be Easy, but be Easy.

A friend of mine visited me in cork this weekend and I have to say she really worked it! Her game was spot on, and she met an amazing man, so let me tell you how she did it.
I’m not sure what came over my friend but after years of knowing her, she finally asked me to date coach her so I was thrilled. In order to set the mood for going out and meeting people, we did some shopping and she got a new dress and heels. Then we popped into Clinique for a free makeover. What she did well was she opted for a more feminine and sophisticated look, as a petite girl of 5’3 it was important not to look too girly. Her makeup choices were also very natural and simple. She was feeling more confident already. Then to decide what to wear that night, although the new black dress she bought was amazing, I pushed for a little more colour so she would pop when she entered a room. She went with an amazing coral dress, long lace sleeves but short with heels. Even though she was begging to wear the tights, and it was cold, I pushed for a little bare leg (I think it’s important to flaunt chest or legs but not both at the same time). Hair down and sassy, she had the look and the confidence.

Strategy 1: Smile at the room.

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Fate or Fatal Mistake?

How do you think love will happen for you? Do you believe in fate, destiny, or serendipity? Or do you believe that life is what we make of it and hold more value in choice and action? Or maybe you’re beliefs about love fall somewhere in between? How we view love affects how we will pursue or not pursue dating.

I have had many women tell me about their love lives, how they are excelling in dating or their frustrations. Many times they end their story with a statement about fate such as “But I guess if it’s going to happen it will happen” “You can’t force love” “It comes when you aren’t looking” “What’s for you won’t pass you by” and so on. I don’t necessarily disagree with these statements but what I find interesting is that these statements lead us away from action into a passive state. Instead of focusing on what we CAN do, we sometimes rely on these beliefs to stop trying and trust in fate.

This question about fate often makes me think of how I met my husband. You might have similar stories about how your parents met, or maybe some couple admire. Notice how you tell these stories; often they include an element of fate or chance. If you dig deeper though, there were also elements of choice and action to these stories. The night I met my husband I was at a birthday party at a local pub. The party consisted of mostly couples who knew each other very well and I knew the chance that I was going to meet someone new was slim. When the party suggested going to a bar across the street (a total dive bar notorious for old Irish men!) I made my exit and said “Sorry guys I have to go meet someone”. I hopped in a taxi to a comedy club across town by myself and there I met my husband. Yes, there were some elements of chance that we both happened to be there at the same place that night, but if you dig deeper, there was a strong current of action, choice, and pursuing what you want. I wanted to meet someone. I had to make a choice to leave a fun group of people that I was very comfortable with and venture out on my own. I even had a migraine that night and everything in my body told me to go home, but I didn’t want to miss any opportunities to meet the one.

How can you create more opportunities for fate? Can you say yes to an invitation this week, even though you don’t really know anyone there? Can you ask someone if they have any nice friends to set you up with? Can you check out a dating app/online service/or singles event in your area? Can you move location when you are sitting around bored at a pub? Can you strike up a conversation with someone new or hold a smile and eye contact with a cute guy across the way? Can we still put all our hope in fate or will waiting around for love be a fatal mistake?

I’m still not sure if fate exists, but what I am sure of is that the man of your dreams isn’t going to magically appear when you are sitting at home alone on your couch on a Friday night (unless you are online dating or you have a thing for pizza delivery guys…think Loverboy (1989) with Patrick Dempsey)

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Kiss the love of your life next New Year’s Eve

The holidays are often a time when we resolve ourselves to change – to exercise more, manage our stress or to meet someone special. Holiday celebrations often involve spending time with family and may bring up strong feelings, values and ideals around love, loyalty and creating your own family. New Year’s Eve is often accompanied by the pressure to find a romantic kiss at midnight. For many of us, the holidays are a reminder that we want a partner to share life with.

A lot of us set lofty goals for new years, mostly revolving around weight loss and fitness, only to break them a few weeks into the new year. Instead of six pack abs or losing a dress size, how about gaining love in your life? Can you resolve to meeting the one this year? Yes, in 2014! Many of us believe meeting the one is out of our control  (see blog “fate or fatal mistake”) but I truly believe that there are concrete actions that you can take today to improve your love life.

First we must start with a vision. Where do you see your life in 2014? Write a letter to yourself for December 31, 2014 , the first line reading “I had a great year because….”. Then list off all the accomplishments you had in life and your love life (thanks for the idea Greg Canty).
Another way to envision your future love life is to create a vision board.

Second – you must envision your mate. Start with a list of 20 qualities you would like in a partner (e.g. appearance, education, interests, values…) and then five ‘must haves’ or dealbreakers! – maybe don’t go this far though:

Your must haves are important because this is where you will not compromise. You may like a guy who is over 6ft but it may not be a dealbreaker, but wanting kids might be for you.

That’s it! Envision your future love life and the partner that’s out there waiting for you. After that let’s get started on strategies to meet and snag your perfect mate so when the clock strikes midnight on December 31st 2014…you kiss the love of your life! (and not Seamus from accounting).

Want to kiss the love of your life next New Year's Eve?  (Image via Wikimedia Commons at  http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Strangers_on_a_Train_-_Romance.png)

Want to kiss the love of your life next New Year’s Eve? (Image via Wikimedia Commons at http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Strangers_on_a_Train_-_Romance.png)