Phantom Date

Have you ever had the most amazing date with someone, never to hear from them again? Or maybe it’s going really well, he’s texting and calling consistently and seems really into you…then poof! He’s gone.

Phantom date.


(Not that type of Phantom Date…that would be hot!)

Where did he go? What happened? He just seemed to disappear without warning. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something to turn him off? Maybe he lost his phone? Maybe he got back with his ex? Maybe he got in a car accident and he is in a ditch somewhere and nobody can find him and his phone is just out of reach and that’s why it’s still ringing but he can’t answer it, OMG I have to go find him!!!

Ok, bad things do happen, but maybe….just maybe, he’s not calling you because he doesn’t want to. Damn Karen! Harsh! I know, it’s the usual “he’s just not that into you” if he’s not calling speech.

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The 3 Date Rule?

I was recently asked by a woman, “So how long do I wait till I have sex with someone, do I follow the three date rule?”

The idea that there can be some sort of number that tells you when to have sex or not is a superficial way of viewing intimacy. When women ask this question I feel that what they are really asking is “How long do I have to wait so he doesn’t think I’m easy?” Instead of just worrying about what he thinks about you, ask yourself: why would you wait? What are you waiting for?

Do you want love? Commitment? Someone to trust and respect? These things don’t necessarily have a set time limit when they happen. You can have 3 dates with someone and never really move past the level of intimacy you were at on the first date.

Making a guy wait isn’t what keeps him interested in you. He is interested in you because you are a woman of high value. That being said, having sex too soon might communicate that you don’t value yourself because you just slept with someone who you don’t know very well and he hasn’t “earned” it. If a guy bought you a new car on your second date what would you do? Would you accept it? Would you think it was creepy? Too soon? I mean he just met you and he bought you a car. It’s only weird because you haven’t “earned” it, he doesn’t even know you yet. We respect what they have earned. Sex is like a car (heck yours is a Mercedes!).

Instead of looking at a timeline, consider your emotional connection and level of commitment. Is he emotionally into you? Does he call you a lot, ask you out consistently, share how he feels about you, wants you to meet his friend/ family, talk about the future, and wants to be exclusive? Sex isn’t going to bring these things to your relationship, but if you have this emotional connection, sex can be a great way to heighten that connection once it’s already there.

Women on the other hand can often become more emotionally involved through the act of sex. This is what Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) refers to as the Big O dilemma, when you have an orgasm with a man oxytocin is released in a large amount, this is our bonding hormone. So even though someone might be bad for us, we crave them physically and feel strongly connected to them. Sex complicates our judgment and makes us think we are closer to someone than we actually might be. Some women claim they can just have sex with no emotion but I would say it would be rare and it is probably with the man you are not going to fall in love with anyway. Booty calls and casual hookups are dangerous, not only for our physical health but our hearts as well and can lead us to some pretty pathetic behaviour…like the first 20 seconds of this Bridesmaids clip:

When a man doesn’t ask you out on dates but then always texts after 10pm: Hey sexy, where are you? What are you up to? Come over for a movie? It’s a booty call. Don’t punish him or yell at him though, you can just reply “No thanks, how about breakfast sometime this week?” If he’s only after sex, he won’t ask you out anyway. If he is into you, he might be frustrated but will respect your choice.

Last week’s entry about Bad vs. Good guys highlighted how most men will want to have sex with you (you are fabulous, who wouldn’t?!) but how you can tell the difference between a bad guy and a keeper is if they respect your choice not to. When a guy wants you to stay over you can just say “You are so cute, I’d really like to but I just don’t move that fast” or “I’m really attracted to you but I don’t sleep with people outside of an exclusive relationship (or whatever your boundary is: love, commitment, marriage etc). Both of these statements involve telling him you are into him and think he’s hot, but then stating your boundary. I’ve never met a guy who left me because I waited too long to have sex. The only men I’ve ever met who left after being rejected were those who tried to get me to have sex with them the first night.

So how long should you wait? 3 dates? 3 months? Sorry, I don’t have the answer for you but you will have to know yourself and wait until you are really sure. I know you’re dying for it and you are soooo attracted to him! I love that time in a relationship when kissing a guy and nothing more is almost painful. It’s a great time to build passion and desire, the type you will always remember about the start of your relationship. Don’t rush it, be safe and smart. Who’s leading here: your body or your heart? Make sure the relationship is strong and the sex will follow when you’re ready.