First Date Diva

First Date

As online dating is on the rise, dare I say the norm, you are more likely than ever to go on first dates with someone you have never met in person. This increase of blind dates (or “blind meetings”) can leave you feeling anxious or awkward about what to do or how to act with a potential stranger/lover. In this blog I’m going to address how to make your first meeting memorable and let your best self shine…while also addressing an escape route if necessary!

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Who should plan the date?

In an era of modern technology and so many choices out there, planning a date can often be confusing and left to the last minute, leading us to the dreaded exchange of “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

When men are vague or unclear about what to do on a date, it frustrates women to no end but interestingly enough women are jumping in and planning the date. Women complain that men aren’t assertive enough and take the lead with dating but start instantly planning the date. Why are women planning the dates? Do women think men are incapable of using the internet or asking a friend where to take them? Are we getting impatient?

Women are amazing planners, multitaskers, and organizers. While he is texting you about where to meet up, you are probably online looking up “best cocktail bar” in your area and sending him websites, and emailing about reservations..Just stop. Stop doing everything and leave some space for a man to follow through with asking you out. If he’s the one that asked you out in the first place, give him a little time and space before you become the concierge of dating.

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Yogi dating and the art of letting go

I have been practicing yoga for about 10 years and one thing that my yoga teacher always emphasized was that you have to bring yoga out of the studio and into your everyday life. How can the principles of yoga be applied to our love life?

For me, yoga has been about letting go of control and being present in the moment.

Dating in a modern world gives us so many options and avenues to find love…online dating, speed dating, matchmaking, etc. In a way there are so many ways to take action and improve our love life that we might begin to think we have control over the outcome of our efforts. This perception of control can lead to frustration when the outcome isn’t what is expected.
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Why you should date a shorter man

I’m having a cup of coffee with a friend the other day and she says:

Friend: “Did I tell you about that short guy I’m dating?”

Me: “Wait, how tall is he?”

Friend: “5’ll”

Me: “How tall are you?”

Friend: “5’11”

Me: “He’s not short, he’s your height”

When I ask a women what type of guy she likes, more times than not in her top three characteristics she will say “tall”. Why is height our top priority?

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Beware of Carpe Diem Dudes

Beware of Carpe Diem Dudes

You’re on holiday in some romantic beach town in Spain, a handsome lover at your side (the dashing Armando! Dead ringer for Enrique Iglesias), the bar is closing and he whispers in your ear to come home with him. You reply that you don’t know him very well and you must go back to your hotel. He persists with some version of “The night is young, be spontaneous. You only live once….. Bailamos”. This is the Carpe Diem dude.

Carpe Diem is latin for “seize the day”. The phrase has been used in various literary sources which call the reader to live each day fully as if it were our last. The future is unforeseen and that you should not leave the future to chance, but rather you should do all you can today to make your  future better. It is important to note that the carpe diem phrase is often misinterpreted and misused in contemporary popular culture, to justify reckless behaviour (“you only live once” “I’m on holiday!”). However, the meaning of carpe diem is not to ignore the future, but rather take action for the future today and not blindly trust that everything will fall into place.

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Be a Hussey!

Hold up, when I say be a Hussey, I don’t mean taking a trip to Penny’s or Forever 21 for the largest pair of hoop earings and some pleather…..I’m referring to Matthew Hussey, the dating genius behind the book “Get the Guy” (www.gettheguy.co.uk). I was lucky enough to make it to his day seminar in Dublin on 15 June and left feeling very inspired to continue my work dating coaching.
Get the Guy Tour, Dublin

I wanted to share a few idioms and sage words of advice from his seminar that I found very inspiring.
Follow Principles not Rules-

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Beware of Bitchface

Has anyone ever come up to you and said “smile!”? Ugghhh so annoying! Annoying as it is, they might be onto something there. Often we don’t realize it but our body language, and more specifically our face, is sending off the wrong message. I call this phenomenon: Bitchface.
(Urban Dictionary Definition: Bitchface: “Any person whose face makes them seem like they’re a bitch.
Person A: She looks like such a bitch.
Person B: No, she’s not. Her face just looks like that, she has a bitch face. She’s actually really nice.”
)

Think Posh Spice, Kristen Stewart, and Vivian Leigh.
classic bitchface

We might be in a perfectly fine mood but our face falls flat or looks bitchy, even though we don’t mean it to. The problem is, nobody wants to talk to Bitchface. Can you become more aware of your body language and your facial expressions? Try to smile at the universe. Men are attracted to women who smile, laugh, and make eye contact, basically women who are approachable and don’t look like they will bite your head off if you go up to them. It’s really difficult to approach someone, and the more there is a guarantee that they won’t lose face over it, the better your chances of being approached.

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Phantom Date

Have you ever had the most amazing date with someone, never to hear from them again? Or maybe it’s going really well, he’s texting and calling consistently and seems really into you…then poof! He’s gone.

Phantom date.


(Not that type of Phantom Date…that would be hot!)

Where did he go? What happened? He just seemed to disappear without warning. Did I say something wrong? Did I do something to turn him off? Maybe he lost his phone? Maybe he got back with his ex? Maybe he got in a car accident and he is in a ditch somewhere and nobody can find him and his phone is just out of reach and that’s why it’s still ringing but he can’t answer it, OMG I have to go find him!!!

Ok, bad things do happen, but maybe….just maybe, he’s not calling you because he doesn’t want to. Damn Karen! Harsh! I know, it’s the usual “he’s just not that into you” if he’s not calling speech.

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The 3 Date Rule?

I was recently asked by a woman, “So how long do I wait till I have sex with someone, do I follow the three date rule?”

The idea that there can be some sort of number that tells you when to have sex or not is a superficial way of viewing intimacy. When women ask this question I feel that what they are really asking is “How long do I have to wait so he doesn’t think I’m easy?” Instead of just worrying about what he thinks about you, ask yourself: why would you wait? What are you waiting for?

Do you want love? Commitment? Someone to trust and respect? These things don’t necessarily have a set time limit when they happen. You can have 3 dates with someone and never really move past the level of intimacy you were at on the first date.

Making a guy wait isn’t what keeps him interested in you. He is interested in you because you are a woman of high value. That being said, having sex too soon might communicate that you don’t value yourself because you just slept with someone who you don’t know very well and he hasn’t “earned” it. If a guy bought you a new car on your second date what would you do? Would you accept it? Would you think it was creepy? Too soon? I mean he just met you and he bought you a car. It’s only weird because you haven’t “earned” it, he doesn’t even know you yet. We respect what they have earned. Sex is like a car (heck yours is a Mercedes!).

Instead of looking at a timeline, consider your emotional connection and level of commitment. Is he emotionally into you? Does he call you a lot, ask you out consistently, share how he feels about you, wants you to meet his friend/ family, talk about the future, and wants to be exclusive? Sex isn’t going to bring these things to your relationship, but if you have this emotional connection, sex can be a great way to heighten that connection once it’s already there.

Women on the other hand can often become more emotionally involved through the act of sex. This is what Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) refers to as the Big O dilemma, when you have an orgasm with a man oxytocin is released in a large amount, this is our bonding hormone. So even though someone might be bad for us, we crave them physically and feel strongly connected to them. Sex complicates our judgment and makes us think we are closer to someone than we actually might be. Some women claim they can just have sex with no emotion but I would say it would be rare and it is probably with the man you are not going to fall in love with anyway. Booty calls and casual hookups are dangerous, not only for our physical health but our hearts as well and can lead us to some pretty pathetic behaviour…like the first 20 seconds of this Bridesmaids clip:

When a man doesn’t ask you out on dates but then always texts after 10pm: Hey sexy, where are you? What are you up to? Come over for a movie? It’s a booty call. Don’t punish him or yell at him though, you can just reply “No thanks, how about breakfast sometime this week?” If he’s only after sex, he won’t ask you out anyway. If he is into you, he might be frustrated but will respect your choice.

Last week’s entry about Bad vs. Good guys highlighted how most men will want to have sex with you (you are fabulous, who wouldn’t?!) but how you can tell the difference between a bad guy and a keeper is if they respect your choice not to. When a guy wants you to stay over you can just say “You are so cute, I’d really like to but I just don’t move that fast” or “I’m really attracted to you but I don’t sleep with people outside of an exclusive relationship (or whatever your boundary is: love, commitment, marriage etc). Both of these statements involve telling him you are into him and think he’s hot, but then stating your boundary. I’ve never met a guy who left me because I waited too long to have sex. The only men I’ve ever met who left after being rejected were those who tried to get me to have sex with them the first night.

So how long should you wait? 3 dates? 3 months? Sorry, I don’t have the answer for you but you will have to know yourself and wait until you are really sure. I know you’re dying for it and you are soooo attracted to him! I love that time in a relationship when kissing a guy and nothing more is almost painful. It’s a great time to build passion and desire, the type you will always remember about the start of your relationship. Don’t rush it, be safe and smart. Who’s leading here: your body or your heart? Make sure the relationship is strong and the sex will follow when you’re ready.

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Ok, now I can’t get the theme song of “Cops” out of my head!
This week the post will be from a single guest blogger and friend, Alanna Scully. She is a fabulous wedding photographer as well, (check out alannascully.com). She candidly reveals her weakness for bad boys, the type who don’t always wear leather jackets.

Alanna:
“When I was younger, I had a vision of how my life would turn out. I thought that by 30 I would have a career, I would have a family, and I would have a clear picture of who I was. I certainly thought I’d have this whole dating thing done and behind me. Or at the very least, I’d have it figured out and I’d be rocking it. Oh, how silly my predictions for the future were. Almost nothing happened the way it was supposed to, and I still have no idea how things are going to turn out. Sometimes that’s the fun part. Sometimes that part SUCKS. Still, I’d like to think that I learned a lot about dating, men, and relationships in my twenties. I’d like to think that I’ve grown into a more assertive, confident single girl who knows what she wants and what she won’t tolerate. But I’ll be honest, there’s one bad dating habit that I’ve found almost impossible to break. I’m talking about the age-old conundrum every girl out there has found herself in at one time or another: being attracted to the bad boy.

Now, I’m guessing you just had an image of a man pop in your head. Maybe it was Vin Diesel in the movie The Fast and the Furious. Maybe Brad Pitt in the movie Fight Club. Maybe it was your ex in the movie How The Hell Could You Do This To Me I Still Love You and Want to Have Your Babies You Selfish Prick. Whoever you pictured, I’m willing to bet that he’s sexy, he’s smoldering, and he’s completely wrong for you. Maybe he was your college frat-boy boyfriend who was cheating on you with his TA (totally hypothetical, this did not happen to me). Maybe he was your high school boyfriend who was the captain of the football team and oh-so-irresistible, but he wouldn’t admit in the hallways of school that you two were together (unfortunately not hypothetical, this ACTUALLY happened to me). Whoever he was, he was impossible to ignore. He IS impossible to ignore. Because he has that indefinable something that keeps you coming back no matter how horribly he treats you.

In the movies, the bad boy is always wearing a leather jacket, riding a Harley and smoking Marlboros. His hair is sometimes longer and unkempt, or he’s the true rebel with a shaved head (in reality this is probably just to cover up the onset of hereditary baldness, but I still wouldn’t throw Jason Statham out of my bed for a ham sandwich)… nonetheless, he has a certain look on the silver screen. But in real life, the bad boy I’m talking about is much harder to identify. I’m talking about the bad at texting guy, the bad at making plans guy and the bad at following through guy, the bad at giving clear signals guy. The bad at being a good guy guy. He could be clean cut, with a college degree (or several), a great job, strong connections to his family. He probably doesn’t own a leather jacket and maybe he’s never smoked a Marlboro in his life. He’s harder to spot because from the outside, he’s everything you want for yourself, and so it’s easy to overlook the warning signs. Who cares that he takes a day to respond to text messages, or that he never initiates plans with you? Who cares that he’s not that nice to you, doesn’t open doors for you, doesn’t like your friends or want to meet your family? He’s got that one thing that you fool yourself into thinking you won’t find in another person, the thing that lines up in your head with what you think you’ve always wanted. For some girls, it’s the right job. Others might place a lot of importance on physical appearance. For me, it’s simple: tall and funny men are the end all, be all. I would probably fall over naked if Conan O’ Brien walked by right now. Yeah, I said it. Conan O’ Brien. He’s tall and he’s hilarious and so he fits my criteria. Don’t judge me.

I think as women, we always have visions of what we want in our heads. And I do not think that’s a bad thing in the least. It’s good to know what you want. However, I know many single girls who have actual lists of what they are looking for in a mate, and refuse to settle if a guy doesn’t have certain qualifications for their list. Here’s the problem with that: if you’re so fixed on the fact that this totally-wrong-for-you guy has some very key and very superficial characteristics that are on your list, you’re overlooking all the characteristics he might be missing. Don’t get me wrong, I think compromise is good and I think sometimes we need to lower our high expectations. But if you are compromising romance, love and support for someone who meets your height requirement or makes six figures, the person you need to be taking a look at is yourself.

We are all deserving of someone great in our lives. Someone who lifts us up instead of putting us down. Someone whose word can be trusted because when they say they’ll do something, they always follow through on it. Someone who is as interested in who we are and what we’re about as we are in who they are and what they’re about. The bad boy might be appealing in the beginning, but don’t be fooled for long. Don’t waste your precious time chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught. No girl should have to spend weeks or months sitting by the phone, waiting for a scrap of his time and attention. No matter how good he looks in that leather jacket.”

My response:

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