How do you think love will happen for you? Do you believe in fate, destiny, or serendipity? Or do you believe that life is what we make of it and hold more value in choice and action? Or maybe you’re beliefs about love fall somewhere in between? How we view love affects how we will pursue or not pursue dating.
I have had many women tell me about their love lives, how they are excelling in dating or their frustrations. Many times they end their story with a statement about fate such as “But I guess if it’s going to happen it will happen” “You can’t force love” “It comes when you aren’t looking” “What’s for you won’t pass you by” and so on. I don’t necessarily disagree with these statements but what I find interesting is that these statements lead us away from action into a passive state. Instead of focusing on what we CAN do, we sometimes rely on these beliefs to stop trying and trust in fate.
This question about fate often makes me think of how I met my husband. You might have similar stories about how your parents met, or maybe some couple admire. Notice how you tell these stories; often they include an element of fate or chance. If you dig deeper though, there were also elements of choice and action to these stories. The night I met my husband I was at a birthday party at a local pub. The party consisted of mostly couples who knew each other very well and I knew the chance that I was going to meet someone new was slim. When the party suggested going to a bar across the street (a total dive bar notorious for old Irish men!) I made my exit and said “Sorry guys I have to go meet someone”. I hopped in a taxi to a comedy club across town by myself and there I met my husband. Yes, there were some elements of chance that we both happened to be there at the same place that night, but if you dig deeper, there was a strong current of action, choice, and pursuing what you want. I wanted to meet someone. I had to make a choice to leave a fun group of people that I was very comfortable with and venture out on my own. I even had a migraine that night and everything in my body told me to go home, but I didn’t want to miss any opportunities to meet the one.
How can you create more opportunities for fate? Can you say yes to an invitation this week, even though you don’t really know anyone there? Can you ask someone if they have any nice friends to set you up with? Can you check out a dating app/online service/or singles event in your area? Can you move location when you are sitting around bored at a pub? Can you strike up a conversation with someone new or hold a smile and eye contact with a cute guy across the way? Can we still put all our hope in fate or will waiting around for love be a fatal mistake?
I’m still not sure if fate exists, but what I am sure of is that the man of your dreams isn’t going to magically appear when you are sitting at home alone on your couch on a Friday night (unless you are online dating or you have a thing for pizza delivery guys…think Loverboy (1989) with Patrick Dempsey)